It Ends

Dear readers,

This is the last you'll hear from me. I'm not sure if any of you are still alive, or if you've all fallen prey to the horrific virus sweeping the world. Despite having my windows totally boarded up, I can hear the terrible cries of the infected, wailing in pain and desperation, echoing up and down Eliot House, mixed with the sounds of pigs squealing.

That's right - the world has been taken over by pigs. Maybe the swine flu was the first step in their quest for world domination, or maybe it started much earlier. Either way, here in Cambridge, they've already won. Maybe where you are is still safe, I don't know. But know this; the pigs are coming for you.

As for me, I'm going to hold out here as long as I can. I've run out of food and I'm already low on water, so I need to save all the strength I have for fighting the swine flu. There's just no time to blog anymore. There's just no time.

I wish you all, dear readers, the best of luck. Live free, live human!

- Sam

I Dream Of Swine Flu

Last night, I had a terrible nightmare.

I was in this big field, frolicking through the grass. There was all this fresh air, and sunshine, and all that other "outside" stuff that I had almost forgotten about. Everything was all green and blue and beautiful.

Then, I saw them. This, huge, enormous horde of angry pigs, all galloping toward me. They started chanting my name - "Sammmmmmm. Sammmmmmm! Swine flu is coming for youuuuuuuu!!!"

I started running, as fast as I possibly could, away from the giant horde of infested porcine. But as I ran, I started coughing, feeling sore, getting nauseous. I knew it was too late - the swine flu had got me. I collapsed, and just as the enormous stampede of pigs was about to trample me... I woke up.

I'm still safe in my room, but just in case, I've made myself a dreamcatcher out of some pieces of my desk. Who knows how swine flu has learned to travel?

Sweet dreams,

- Sam

Trial By Fire

I think I saw some swine flu in my dirty clothes. I burned them. My room is full of smoke now, and it's very, very hard to breathe, but I'm pretty sure the swine flu got burned out. I'm laying flat on the floor right now, hoping the smoke continues to rise more so I can eventually stand, or at least sit.

Man, it's hot in here.

- Sam

I've Found You, Ms. Swine Flu-y

It gets a little boring being sealed up in a dorm room all day. I can only sanitize every surface in the room and dedicate my psychic energy to eradicating swine flu for so many hours in a day before I start getting a little twitchy. So, to kill the time, I've been watching lots of classic television online - some old Law and Order, some MTV's Undressed - the classics.

Then, I had the great idea to watch some Muppet Show. I love the Muppets - it's comedy genius. I even conducted a Muppet-themed marching band show my senior year of high school. So, I find some on YouTube, and, to my shock and disgust, THERE WAS A PIG ON THE SCREEN. How could I have forgotten about Ms. Piggy? Bitch probably is totally covered in swine flu. I closed the video just in case, but to be safe I've now restricted all internet access to just my blog (which I'm pretty sure is swine flu free).

My laundry is starting to pile up - I'm actually already out of clothes. Part of me wants to keep wearing them, but I'm worried that swine flu can live in dirty clothes. So, for now I'm just being naked all the time. Also, this way I can see any swine flu that might have gotten on my skin. I thought I saw some on my arm, but after scratching off some of my skin I realized it was just a mark from a pen. Oops!

Alright - time to do something about this bleeding wound on my arm. Cheers!

- Sam

It's Everywhere!

There's a fat girl named Bessie who lives in my entryway. Could she have swine flu? Is it transmitted through fat people?

Is it transmitted through pork? I've eaten bacon in the past month - could I already have swine flu? As an extra precaution, I've spiked some of my drinking water with disinfectant. It doesn't taste great, and it makes my insides burn a little, but as long as it's also burning the little swine flu microbes to death, I can deal with it.

I'm not sure if swine flu is sexually transmitted, but just in case, I'm wrapped my entire body in condoms. The ones on my hands make it difficult to type (seriously, this entry has taken me entirely too long) and the one over my head makes it difficult to breathe, but they also make me feel safe. I just wished I didn't only have the extra-lubricated ones.

I hear Bessie stomping up the stairs. I better go make sure my door is securely barricaded. Until next time!

- Sam

Of Swine and Men

How does my English professor expect me to write a paper when there's a pandemic on the loose?

Seriously - I'm trying to finish my paper on The Glass Menagerie, but all I can think about is swine flu. Swine flu fills my every thought. She can't expect me to talk about Tom's memory and invention, to do analysis of a freaking PLAY, when there's a real life medical crisis at hand! Humanities? More like Swineanities.

And - get this - she expects me to deliver a HARD COPY to the Barker Center by 5:00 today. Obviously, I will not be leaving my room to turn in a paper. I'm worried enough about getting swine flu through email. Not to mention that Laura Wingfield probably has some glass pigs in that menagerie of hers. Can swine flu be transmitted through fiction? Just in case, I swathed my copy in Purell.

Okay, back to work! Talk to you soon - unless you die of swine flu before my next entry.

- Sam

Roommates? More like Swineflumates!

This morning, my roommate Ben tried to get into the room. Luckily, the planks of wood I've nailed barring the door held up. He seemed a little upset that I've locked him out, and I guess he has a point; all of his stuff is in here. However, I can't let something like that jeopardize my health, and he's probably completely COVERED in swine flu.

To make matters worse, my blockmate Jimmy tried to talk me into opening the door. Now, I love Jimmy to death, but there's something you have to understand. You see, Jimmy is half MEXICAN. He was BORN in MEXICO. If anyone has swine flu, it's Jimmy. I know my friends think I'm being extreme (although when everyone else in the world has swine flu, they'll know I was right) but still, you'd think they'd have more respect for my choices and wouldn't try to deliberately infect me.

I used some extra Lysol this morning, just to make sure.

- Sam

April Showers Bring May Swine Flu

Can swine flu travel through the Internet? I know most diseases can't, but swine flu is more dastardly and evil than your ordinary run-of-the-mill virus or bacteria. I'm not sure if it's tuned in to the digital age yet, but just in case, I set up a couple extra firewalls, and put some extra protection on my email.

I've also set up some basic defenses in case anyone tries to break into my totally clean sanctum. There's a big bucket of Purell hanging above my door, poised to fall on anyone who manages to open it. Hopefully, it'll kill any swine flu that they might be carrying with them. Also, I have big, pointy, and sterilized stick to chase the intruder out before he or she does too much damage. When the rest of the world figures out, like I already have, that swine flu is coming to get them, and the mass hysteria and panic sets in, I'm not compromising my health for those too stupid to adequately prepare.

Seriously, people (and the swine flu that has undoubtedly infected you) - Eliot D43 is off limits. Don't even try.

- Sam